The Onion at it’s best:
LANCASTER, PA—Surmounting treacherous icy pavement and a windchill factor dipping as low as 19 degrees Fahrenheit, local resident Louis Bergstrom survived a real-life battle with the elements Friday when he successfully completed a harrowing four-and-a-half-minute journey across the desolate, frozen parking lot of an area G & G Grocery Store, the 38-year-old court stenographer told reporters.
According to Bergstrom, with night coming and temperatures dropping rapidly, he was forced to leave his wife, Linda, 37, at the entrance of the supermarket and valiantly set out on his own to retrieve the couple’s 2001 Toyota Corolla. Before leaving, Bergstrom solemnly vowed that he would return for his pregnant wife as soon as he possibly could.
Recuperating at home following his struggle with nature’s fury, a visibly shaken Bergstrom recounted the look in his wife’s eyes at the moment he set out across the barren rows of the parking lot.
“I could see that she was concerned, but I wasn’t about to let Linda go out there,” a blanket-wrapped Bergstrom said from the safety of his living room couch between sips of hot chocolate. “She’d left her hat at home.”